And Tzeitel is in the Barn MILKING
by Miss Wallflower
Summary: This is the strangest story in the world. Or right up there. Insanity at two in the morning. It features characters from such things as Rocky Horror, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Grease. (co-authored by Purplepolkadot21)
1. Introductory Information

And Tzeitel's In The Barn. MILKING  
  
Author: NoPhotosPlease (with help from PurplePolkadot21)  
  
Genre: Humor/Insanity :-)  
  
Filter: Miscellaneous Crossovers  
  
Summary: Characters from all sorts of different things find themselves in Happyland, which is ruled by the Queen of the Night. Ginny, Hermia, and Kim can't find their lovers. Gerda is Rini's babysitter. There are strange people in Janet's house and she misses her lovers. Sandy and Jack Sparrow are having a custody battle over the Changeling Boy and Paris and Elle are their lawyers. Austin Powers and Tzeitel were put into an arranged marriage. Welcome to Happyland, where anything is possible.  
  
Characters  
  
Sammy, the fattest cat in the world from Gilmore Girls- In our story, he lives in Janet's mansion and has a snooty British accent. He is a very, very, very fat cat.  
  
Odette, the Swan Princess from The Swan Princess- In our story, she lives in Janet's mansion and is in her swan form. Not her princess form. She is a white swan.  
  
Cupcake from My Little Pony- In our story, she lives at Tzeitel and Austin's house and doesn't like carrying people in her pony cart. She is a pink pony with a present on her butt.  
  
Sailor Moon/Serena from Sailor Moon- In this story, she is still a whiny crybaby. But she is taking college courses on the Internet and doesn't want to change the Changeling Boy's name. She lives in a church with Rini. She is a 4'11" girl with blonde hair in pigtails with little buns on the top.  
  
Rini from Sailor Moon- In our story, she is whiny and annoyed and wishes people would stop treating her like a little kid. The recipient of her whining is usually Gerda, her babysitter. She and her mom/cousin/too complicated a family history to get into Serena live in a church. She is a 3'5" little girl with pink hair in pigtails similar to her mommy/cousin's.  
  
Gerda from The Snow Queen- In our story, she is a semi-patient teenager who baby-sits Rini. She lives in Janet's mansion. She is a girl about 5'5" with typical Scandinavian features; blonde and blue-eyed. Very innocent but sometimes with a temper.  
  
Storm from X-Men- In our story, she and Sandy decide to start a school for all of the children in Happyland. She lives in Janet's mansion. She is a reasonably tall African-American woman with white, white stylishly cut hair and eyes that sometimes turn all white.  
  
Kim MacAfee from Bye Bye Birdie- In our story, she and Hugo were recently married, but she somehow found herself in Happyland along with all of the other random people who are there. She feels sad, but uses the telephone to keep in touch with all of her friends. She and Audrey share half of a duplex. She, Hermia and Ginny decide to go find their loves eventually. She is a teenage girl about 5'6" dressed in fifties clothing.  
  
Hermia from A Midsummer Night's Dream- In our story, she and Lysander were recently married, but she somehow found herself in Happyland along with all of the other random people who are there. She feels sad. She is a dancer. She and Ginny don't get along that well. She lives in Janet's mansion. She, Kim and Ginny decide to go find their loves eventually. She is a teenage girl about 5'8" dressed in a cute little ancient Greek-style mini- skirted toga type dress.  
  
Ginny Weasley from Harry Potter- In our story, she and Harry have been going out for a while now, but she somehow found herself in Happyland along with all of the other random people who are there. She feels sad. She and Hermia don't get along that well. She lives in Janet's mansion. She is the youngest of the three girls that go to find their loves; Kim, Hermia and herself. She is a teenage girl about 5'4" and dressed in a purple shirt and jeans.  
  
Elle Woods from Legally Blonde- In our story, she is impeccably pink and perfect as usual. She is Jack Sparrow's lawyer. She lives in Janet's mansion. She is a lady in her early midtwenties with blonde hair and wearing a pink suit with a mini-skirt.  
  
Paris Geller from Gilmore Girls- In our story, she is neurotic and analytical as usual. She is Janet's lawyer and Sandy's lawyer. She shares half of a duplex with Princess Leia. She is in her early twenties and wearing a nice sweater and pinstriped pants.  
  
Mary-Kate Olsen- In our story, she is having an affair with Austin Powers. She ends up killing her sister and herself. She lives in a castle. She is a teenage girl with blonde hair and she and her sister Ashley change their outfits every time you see them.  
  
Ashley Olsen- In our story, she is in love with Austin Powers and is jealous of her sister. She ends up being killed by her sister. She lives in a castle. She is a teenage girl with blonde hair and she and her sister Mary-Kate change their outfits every time you see them.  
  
Tzeitel from Fiddler on the Roof- In our story, she was put into an arranged marriage with Austin Powers after the mysterious disappearance of her husband Motel. She is always in the barn. Milking. She lives in a ranch house. She is a girl about twenty wearing a long dress, an apron, and a headscarf over her dark hair which is in a bun.  
  
Austin Powers from Austin Powers- In our story, he is married to Tzeitel but is cheating on her with Mary-Kate and eventually ends up with Janet, but then he ditches her for Sandy. He is the international man of mystery. He lives in Tzeitel's house. He's Austin Powers. Enough said.  
  
Princess Leia from Star Wars- In our story, she and Princess Mia are battling to see who gets to be the next queen of Happyland. Her campaign slogan is, "Don't be blorchestra, stay in orchestra." She shares half of a duplex with Paris. She wears a long white dress and has two buns on the side of her head.  
  
Princess Mia from The Princess Diaries- In our story, she and Princess Leia are battling to see who gets to be the next queen of Happyland. Her campaign slogan is, "Don't be bland, stay in band." She lives in Janet's mansion. She is 5'10", has blonde highlighted hair, and she wears a random pretty dress.  
  
The Queen of the Night from The Magic Flute- In our story, she is not evil. She is the current queen of Happyland, but since there really is no queen, she just pretends, and since there is no nighttime in Happyland, she can't really be the Queen of the Night. She has to decide whether Princess Leia or Princess Mia should be the next queen. She lives in Janet's mansion. She is about 5'8", has a big star over one eye and random shooting-star type makeup all over her face, and a black dress with gold trim and such.  
  
Monica Geller from Friends- In our story, she loves to drive her Porsche. She is no relation to Paris. She loves Jack Sparrow. Nobody knows where she lives, cause she's always driving her Porsche. She wants to change the Changeling Boy's name to Jim-Bob. She has dark brown hair and wears brown corduroy pants with a blue-and-brown striped shirt.  
  
Janet Weiss from Rocky Horror- In our story, Janet is a homemaker, but her beloved Brad has mysteriously disappeared. She misses him. And she misses Frankie. And she misses Rocky. And she wonders why she is in Happyland. And why there are strange people living in her house. She hires Paris to be her lawyer to get the people out of her house. But she ends up falling for Austin and doesn't really care. But then Austin ends it between them, and she goes back to missing Brad. and Frankie. and Rocky. She has light- dirty-blonde hair, leaning toward blonde, and wears a cute little purple dress and heels.  
  
Tommy from Rugrats- In our story, he is the son of Jack Sparrow and Sandy. He and his sister Michelle feel unloved and unwanted because their parents are arguing over their brother the Changeling Boy. He lives in a pastel house. He's a baby so he wears a diaper and stuff I guess.  
  
Michelle from Full House- In our story, she is the daughter of Jack Sparrow and Sandy. She and her brother Tommy feel unloved and unwanted because their parents are arguing over their brother the Changeling Boy. She lives in a pastel house. She is a little blonde toddler who wears pink a lot.  
  
The Changeling Boy from A Midsummer Night's Dream- In our story, he is the son of Jack Sparrow and Sandy. They are arguing over who gets custody of him. He lives in a pastel house. He is a little brunette toddler who wears blue a lot.  
  
Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors- In our story, she has been reborn after being eaten by the plant, and now she shares half of a duplex with Kim. She loves Jack Sparrow. Eventually she marries Jack Sparrow. She is a ditsy blonde who wears a cute dress with a little sweater over it and cute little heels.  
  
Sandy from Grease- In this story, she is the mother of Tommy, Michelle and the Changeling Boy. She is a teacher at the Happyland school. She is getting a divorce from her husband Jack Sparrow because she is too pure and doesn't like him. They are bitterly arguing over who gets custody of their son the Changeling Boy. She lives in a pastel house and her lawyer is Paris. She is blonde, and has somewhat reverted to her 'innocent' persona, wearing nice cardigans and skirts.  
  
Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean- In this story, he is the father of Tommy, Michelle and the Changeling Boy. He is a rum-drinking pirate. He is getting a divorce from his wife Sandy because he is a rum-drinking pirate. They are bitterly arguing over who gets custody of their son the Changeling Boy. He eventually marries Audrey. He moves in the story and his lawyer is Elle. He's Jack Sparrow. What more do I need to say?  
  
Narrator 1 and Narrator 2- They're two crazy teenage girls helping to tell the story. They giggle a lot and are often very caffeinated. Narrator 1 loves penguins, and Narrator 2 loves 80's cartoons.  
  
CAMEOS:  
  
Margie from Bye Bye Birdie- She is Kim's friend and talks on the telephone with Kim. You just hear her over the telephone.  
  
Deborah Sue from Bye Bye Birdie- She is Kim's friend and talks on the telephone with Kim. You just hear her over the telephone.  
  
Harry Potter from Harry Potter- He is Ginny's lover. He has black hair, green eyes, glasses, and a lightning-bolt shaped scar. He wears a striped red and grey rugby shirt and jeans.  
  
Lysander from A Midsummer Night's Dream- He is Hermia's lover. He is dressed in the male version of Hermia's ancient Greek toga.  
  
Hugo from Bye Bye Birdie- He is Kim's lover. He is all-American and wears jeans, Converse sneakers and a sweater.  
  
And now on with the show! 


	2. Welcome to Happyland

Disclaimer: (oops I forgot last time. here goes nothing. *sighs*) We do not own Sailor Moon, Star Wars, Friends, Gilmore Girls, Bye Bye Birdie, Little Shop of Horrors, the Olsen twins, Fiddler on the Roof, Austin Powers, The Snow Queen, X-Men, The Princess Diaries, Harry Potter, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Rocky Horror, The Magic Flute, My Little Pony, Full House, Rugrats, Grease, Pirates of the Caribbean, "Don't be bland, stay in band", "Don't be blorchestra, stay in orchestra" or anything else we may inadvertently mention. Sorry bout that.  
  
*****  
  
SCENE ONE- Welcome to Happyland.  
  
CUT TO: A nice pastel town scene. Pans across the town and stops on a church, where SERENA is sitting on a bench outside.  
  
Narrator 1: This is Happyland.  
  
Narrator 2: Welcome to Happyland. Happyland is populated by a wide variety of people, including (CLOSE UP: SERENA and RINI in their house.) Sailor Moon and her daughter/cousin/too complicated a family relationship to get into Rini;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: MONICA in her Porsche.) Monica;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: PRINCESS LEIA swimming in a pool.) Princess Leia;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: PARIS going over some important lawyer things by the poolside.) Paris;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: KIM talking on the telephone) Kim MacAfee;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: AUDREY watering plants.) Audrey;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: MARY-KATE and ASHLEY outside their castle smiling) The Olsen twins;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: TZEITEL in the barn. Milking.) Tzeitel;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: AUSTIN POWERS.) Austin Powers;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: GERDA in the kitchen making cookies.) Gerda;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: STORM in a pool swimming.) Storm;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: PRINCESS MIA writing in her stupid diary) Princess Mia;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: GINNY on an exercise bike.) Ginny;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: HERMIA dancing.) Hermia;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: ELLE tanning.) Elle Woods;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: JANET applying makeup at her vanity table.) Janet;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT dancing.) The Queen of the Night;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: SAMMY sitting there.) Sammy, the fattest cat in the world;  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: CUPCAKE in the barn.) Cupcake;  
  
Narrator 1: Who's over there in the BARN. With Tzeitel. Who's in the BARN.  
  
Both Narrators: MILKING! (they start laughing.)  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: ODETTE sitting there.)  
  
Narrator 2: Odette, in her swan form; (CUT TO: CLOSE UP: SANDY, JACK SPARROW, MICHELLE, TOMMY and the CHANGELING BOY. SANDY and JACK are arguing. MICHELLE, TOMMY and the CHANGELING BOY are playing on a merry-go-round.) Sandy, Jack Sparrow, and their children Michelle, Tommy and the Changeling Boy.  
  
Narrator 1: Don't ask how these people got here. They just sort of appeared. And this is their story. Which we happen to be telling to you. 


	3. Sandy and Jack Argue Over the Changeling...

A/N: It may seem like lots of chapters but they're all pretty short. Bear with our insanity.  
  
*****  
  
SCENE TWO- Sandy and Jack Sparrow Argue Over the Changeling Boy  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: SANDY and JACK SPARROW arguing.)  
  
Sandy: Oh, I want to have the Changeling boy.  
  
Jack Sparrow: But the Changeling boy is mine!  
  
Sandy: No, he's mine!  
  
Jack Sparrow: NO!  
  
Sandy: Yeah, but you get Tommy.  
  
Jack Sparrow: But you get Michelle. So I want the Changeling boy!  
  
Sandy: But I want the Changeling Boy!  
  
Jack Sparrow: But he's mine!  
  
Sandy: No, he's mine!  
  
Narrator 1: Sandy and Jack Sparrow are having a bicker about who gets their son the Changeling Boy, because they're getting a divorce.  
  
Narrator 2: Sandy was just too pure for the rum-drinking treacherous pirate Jack Sparrow.  
  
Narrator 1: So, they are getting a divorce.  
  
Narrator 2: On grounds of not liking each other.  
  
Narrator 1: But they can't decide who should get the Changeling Boy.  
  
Narrator 2: So, enter Paris Geller, (PARIS enters and stands next to SANDY.) who Sandy hired to be her lawyer. She is analytically smart and likes to argue over things not worth arguing over.  
  
Narrator 1: Jack Sparrow hired the infamous Elle Woods as a lawyer. (ELLE enters and stands next to JACK SPARROW.) Knowing her fashion sense can solve any case for her,  
  
Narrator 2: And she automatically wins cause she wears a lot of the color pink. (MICHELLE, TOMMY and the CHANGELING BOY enter.) So as a compromise Sandy gets one of their children, Michelle, (MICHELLE stands next to SANDY.) Jack Sparrow gets one of their children, Tommy, (TOMMY stands next to JACK SPARROW.) but they can't decide who should get the Changeling boy. Should Sandy get the Changeling Boy? (the CHANGELING BOY stands next to SANDY.) Should Jack Sparrow get the Changeling Boy? (the CHANGELING BOY stands next to JACK SPARROW.)  
  
Narrator 1: They don't know.  
  
Narrator 2: And this is why they argue. All the time.  
  
Jack Sparrow and Sandy: (argue incomprehensibly with each other.)  
  
Sandy: He's my Changeling Boy!  
  
Elle: But my client deserves the Changeling Boy.  
  
Jack Sparrow: But I want the Changeling Boy! (yells incomprehensibly)  
  
Paris: You've been drinking too much rum again, Jack Sparrow. You shouldn't get the Changeling Boy because you drink too much rum.  
  
Narrator 1: Shame, shame. 


	4. Tzeitel Laments Her Lost Love Motel Whil...

SCENE THREE- Tzeitel Laments Her Lost Love Motel While In The Barn. Milking.  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: TZEITEL in the barn. Milking.) Meanwhile, Tzeitel was in the barn.  
  
Narrator 2: MILKING!  
  
Narrator 1: Again. But Austin Powers and Tzeitel were married. (AUSTIN enters and stands next to TZEITEL.) They were in a forced relationship.  
  
Narrator 2: They were in a forced marriage after Tzeitel's husband Motel mysteriously disappeared.  
  
Narrator 1: So her parents made her marry Austin Powers.  
  
Narrator 2: But Austin Powers was having an affair. Cause he didn't love Tzeitel.  
  
Narrator 1: DUM DUM DUM!  
  
Narrator 2: He was having an affair with Mary-Kate Olsen! (MARY-KATE enters in a golden carriage. AUSTIN goes next to her.)  
  
Narrator 1: OH NO! But really, Ashley Olsen was in love with him! (ASHLEY enters and stands next to MARY-KATE)  
  
Ashley: (she sighs lovesickly) I love you, Austin!  
  
Austin: But I love Mary-Kate!  
  
Narrator 2: And Austin and Mary-Kate conducted their love affair right in front of Tzeitel and she could NOT CARE LESS. (AUSTIN and MARY-KATE make out right in front of TZEITEL.) Tzeitel was still sad.  
  
Narrator 1: Over Motel.  
  
Narrator 2: Cause when your husband mysteriously disappears it's very sad.  
  
Narrator 1: So she kept on milking. (TZEITEL milks the cow some more.)  
  
Narrator 2: In the barn.  
  
Narrator 1: But she was having a lot of fun in the barn.  
  
Narrator 2: MILKING. She always did like being in the barn.  
  
Narrator 1: MILKING.  
  
Narrator 2: It was always a great lot of fun. That's why she and Motel used to meet in the barn and say they were milking.  
  
Narrator 1: They used to make out in the barn.  
  
Narrator 2: And pretend that they were milking. But Tzeitel was actually in the barn milking.  
  
Narrator 1: For once. MILKING.  
  
Narrator 2: IN THE BARN. 


	5. Sandy and Storm Educate the Children of ...

SCENE FOUR- Sandy and Storm Educate the Children of Happyland  
  
(CUT TO: SANDY and STORM talking.)  
  
Sandy: You know what we should do?  
  
Storm: What should we do, Sandy?  
  
Sandy: I think that we should start up a school, Storm.  
  
Storm: I think that would be great. All of the children in Happyland need to be educated.  
  
Sandy: Like Tommy and Michelle. How are they ever going to get a good education? You know, I do have a degree from Rydell. High School.  
  
Storm: You know, I used to teach at a school.  
  
Sandy: Well, you know what? My friend Frenchie went to beauty school.  
  
Storm: Really? My friend Jean died.  
  
Sandy: Oh. That's just peachy.  
  
Narrator 1: So, Sandy and Storm went and scurried up all the children in the city. (Camera PANS over the city.) Scurry, scurry, scurry, scurry. They scurried up all the children in Happyland. There was.  
  
Narrator 2: Rini! (CUT TO: RINI.)  
  
Narrator 1: (CUT TO: KIM) Kim.  
  
Narrator 2: (CUT TO: MARY-KATE and ASHLEY) Mary-Kate and Ashley.  
  
Narrator 1: (CUT TO: GINNY.) Ginny.  
  
Narrator 2: (CUT TO: HERMIA) Hermia.  
  
Narrator 1: (CUT TO: GERDA) Gerda.  
  
Narrator 2: (CUT TO: TOMMY) Tommy.  
  
Narrator 1: (CUT TO: The CHANGELING BOY) The Changeling Boy.  
  
Narrator 2: (CUT TO: MICHELLE.) And Michelle.  
  
Sandy: (to the children) Do you guys want to go to school?  
  
All the Children: YEAH!  
  
Sandy: OK, little kids come with me.  
  
Storm: And older kids, come with me.  
  
(CUT TO: SANDY teaching TOMMY, MICHELLE, the CHANGELING BOY and RINI.)  
  
Sandy: Okay, what's two plus two?  
  
Michelle: FOUR!  
  
Sandy: No! You're wrong! You're all wrong! GRRRR.  
  
Narrator 2: Sandy was feeling bitter because of her divorce.  
  
(CUT TO: STORM teaching GERDA, HERMIA, GINNY, KIM, MARY-KATE and ASHLEY.)  
  
Storm: So who wants to learn about the. Bill of. (pauses, thinks better of this.) Shakespeare!  
  
Hermia: (raises her hand) I'm a part of Shakespeare, you idiot!  
  
Storm: So why don't you teach us about it then?  
  
Hermia: Fine, I think I shall. (HERMIA goes to the front of the class and begins to teach them about Shakespeare.)  
  
Narrator 2: So Hermia taught all of the other teenagers in the town about Shakespeare.  
  
Hermia: And then there is A Midsummer Night's Dream, which, haha, I'm from.  
  
Narrator 2: Yes, she was very proud of the fact that she was part of Shakespeare. All of the other teenagers didn't really appreciate her antics, (CUT TO: CLOSE UP: GINNY's pissed-off face.) but they figured they would get to talk about themselves in their own due time. (CUT TO: CLOSE UP: KIM sighing.)  
  
(CUT TO: SANDY and the little kids' class.)  
  
Rini: Why do I have to be in a class with all the little kids? I'm ten years old.  
  
Sandy: Well, you need a good education. and you're really not very smart. And you're not a teenager either.  
  
Rini: SO?  
  
Sandy: Well you'll get your time. (KIM enters.) Kim? What are you doing here?  
  
Kim: (to RINI) You know, if my younger brother Randolph was here, he'd be in the same situation you are. But he's not. Ta-ta. (KIM leaves.)  
  
Narrator 1: So Kim left and Sandy kept teaching the small children. 


	6. Princess Mia and Princess Leia Battle Ov...

SCENE FIVE- Princess Mia and Princess Leia Battle Over Who Gets to Be the  
Next Queen  
(CUT TO: THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT.)  
Narrator 2: The Queen of the Night was retiring.  
Narrator 1: You really wouldn't think a queen could retire.  
Narrator 2: (overly cheerful) But in Happyland anything is possible.  
Narrator 1: Anything happy, that is.  
Narrator 2: (as PRINCESS LEIA and PRINCESS MIA enter.) So the two  
candidates that were eligible to be the next queen were Princess Leia and  
Princess Mia. But the Queen of the Night just simply could not decide  
which of them should be the next queen.  
The Queen of the Night: Should it be you, (turns to PRINCESS LEIA) or you?  
(turns to PRINCESS MIA.) I just can't decide.  
Narrator 1: So Princess Leia decided to run a campaign and have everyone  
vote.  
Narrator 2: But Princess Mia, being not really very smart, decided to do  
the same thing.  
Narrator 1: (as PRINCESS LEIA and PRINCESS MIA begin making campaign  
buttons and t-shirts) So they were both running and decided to tell the  
entire city-  
Narrator 2: Of Happyland-  
Narrator 1: That they were going to have a vote. But the Queen of the  
Night told everyone. Cause she was better.  
(CUT TO: THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT standing on a podium talking to the town.)  
The Queen of the Night: So, everybody, attention.  
Austin Powers: (grumpily) WHAT DO YOU WANT?  
The Queen of the Night: (ignores him) The princesses are going to have a  
vote so you can see who is going to be the next queen and who will reign  
over all of you.  
Narrator 2: The Queen of the Night wasn't really actually the queen. She  
just pretended she was.  
Narrator 1: Cause she sounded more important that way.  
Narrator 2: Besides, what good is the Queen of the Night if she's not the  
queen of anything?  
The Queen of the Night: Too bad Happyland is never nighttime. I wish it  
would be nighttime, then I could be the queen.  
Princess Leia: Well, I'm Princess Leia. That would make me Queen Leia.  
Princess Mia: Well, I'm Princess Mia. That would make me Queen Mia!  
Princess Leia: (arguing with PRINCESS MIA) Well my name sounds better with  
the title.  
Princess Mia: Yeah, well I could be Queen Amelia, cause that's my name and  
I just go by Mia, haha.  
Princess Leia: Whatever, goody-goody.  
Narrator 1: CAT FIGHT.  
(PRINCESS LEIA and PRINCESS MIA have a catfight.)  
Narrator 2: The Queen of the Night ran away and made sure they didn't kill  
each other. 


	7. Gerda and Rini Walk Home From School

SCENE SIX- Gerda And Rini Walk Home From School  
  
(CUT TO: GERDA and RINI walking home from school.)  
  
Gerda: You really have to stop complaining.  
  
Rini: But I don't wanna be in a class with all the little kids.  
  
Gerda: Well, too bad for you.  
  
Rini: Oh, shut up.  
  
Gerda: Well I'm the babysitter, so you need to behave.  
  
Rini: (being bratty) What kind of a babysitter name is Gerda, anyway?  
  
Gerda: (defensive) A good one. 


	8. Monica Drives Her Porsche and Argues Wit...

SCENE EIGHT- Monica Drives Her Porsche and Argues With Sailor Moon  
  
(CUT TO: MONICA noisily driving her Porsche around.)  
  
Narrator 2: Monica was the only person in all of Happyland who had a car. She loved to drive her Porsche all over the town.  
  
Monica: Oh man, I'm having so much fun driving my Porsche all over the town. I only wish Jack Sparrow could see me now. (giggles)  
  
Narrator 2: Monica loved Jack Sparrow. Don't ask where Chandler went. He just sort of disappeared.  
  
Monica: I wonder where Chandler went. Oh well, Jack Sparrow is much hotter. (giggles)  
  
Narrator 2: One day Sailor Moon was taking a walk in the town. (MONICA drives her Porsche and nearly hits SAILOR MOON as she walks by)  
  
Sailor Moon: Oh my god you nearly hit me with your Porsche!  
  
Monica: Sailor Moon, what are you doing here?  
  
Sailor Moon: I'm taking a walk, you. (tries to think of a good insult) ninny.  
  
Monica: Meatball head!  
  
Sailor Moon: (starts to cry) WHAAAAA! You're mean! I hate you!  
  
Monica: Stop whining, you stupid twat. (SAILOR MOON stops crying.)  
  
Sailor Moon: What kind of a word is that?  
  
Monica: A good one.  
  
Narrator 1: Cat fight!  
  
(SAILOR MOON and MONICA get in a catfight.)  
  
Monica: (stopping the fight) This is kind of pointless. We're not teenagers any more.  
  
Sailor Moon: Well. I am. (giggles)  
  
Monica: I'm too mature for these stupid cat fights. I'm getting in my Porsche and driving off.  
  
Sailor Moon: (completely changing the point as she bars MONICA from entering her car) But you want to change the Changeling Boy's name!  
  
Monica: Yes. They were supposed to change it to Jim-Bob.  
  
Sailor Moon: But his name should stay the Changeling Boy.  
  
Monica: No it shouldn't!  
  
Sailor Moon: But if they re-name him Jim-Bob, you'll never know it was the Changeling Boy.  
  
Monica: Yeah they will!  
  
Sailor Moon: How? By calling him Jim-Bob the Changeling Boy? That's a bit of a mouthful.  
  
Monica: Oh, shut up.  
  
Sailor Moon: (starts to cry) WHAAAAA! YOU DON'T LIKE ME!  
  
Monica: I'm too mature for this. I'm getting back in my Porsche and driving off. (she gets in her Porsche and rolls down the window) But his name is going to be Jim-Bob. (MONICA begins to manically laugh.)  
  
Narrator 1: She laughed manically and drove away in her Porsche as Sailor Moon sat there and cried. (MONICA drives away in her Porsche and SAILOR MOON sits there and cries.) 


	9. Sandy and Jack Sparrow Argue About the C...

SCENE NINE- Sandy and Jack Sparrow Argue About the Changeling Boy And Tommy and Michelle Feel Unloved and Unwanted  
  
(CUT TO: SANDY and JACK SPARROW'S house. They're sitting at the picnic table in front and arguing.)  
  
Sandy: But I want the Changeling Boy!  
  
Jack Sparrow: He's my Changeling Boy!  
  
Sandy: No, he's my Changeling Boy!  
  
Jack Sparrow: He's mine. You should know that.  
  
Sandy: (with disgust) You're a drunk.  
  
Narrator 1: (CUT TO: TOMMY and MICHELLE in their bedroom talking) Back at the ranch, Tommy and Michelle were feeling unloved and unwanted.  
  
Narrator 2: Yes. They were very sad because their parents didn't spend any time arguing over who ought to get either of them. It was all just about the Changeling Boy.  
  
Tommy: Stupid Changeling Boy.  
  
Michelle: (whiny) Changeling Boy, Changeling Boy, Changeling Boy!  
  
Tommy: It's all they ever talk about.  
  
Michelle: Every single day.  
  
Tommy: I mean, it's ridiculous. It's just the stupid Changeling Boy.  
  
Michelle: I hate this. It really bursts my bubble.  
  
Tommy: Your personal bubble?  
  
Michelle: No. Just my bubble.  
  
Tommy: Oh. well. mine too.  
  
Michelle: Maybe we ought to do something really obnoxious to get their attention.  
  
Tommy: Yeah! Like cry! (TOMMY and MICHELLE begin to cry.)  
  
Narrator 2: And so they cried. This didn't get their parents' attention. (CUT TO: SANDY and JACK SPARROW where we last left them.)  
  
Sandy: Do you hear something?  
  
Jack Sparrow: Nah. It's probably just the wind. (they resume arguing. CUT TO: MICHELLE and TOMMY, disheartened that their plan didn't work.)  
  
Michelle: Maybe I should start saying. you got it, dude!  
  
Tommy: What should I start saying? (they pause.) 


	10. Audrey and Jack Sparrow Make Out in the ...

SCENE TEN- Audrey and Jack Sparrow Make Out in the Street  
  
(CUT TO: AUDREY, walking down the street for no reason.)  
  
Audrey: You know, I, being from Little Shop of Horrors and being eaten and this being my second life, really find Jack Sparrow hot. I really love Jack Sparrow. (happens to walk by JACK SPARROW, who is. drunk. On rum.)  
  
Jack Sparrow: Did someone say my name? (nearly trips over and falls) Where did all the rum go?  
  
Audrey: Oh, hi, Jack. (JACK SPARROW passes out in the street.) Oh my goodness, Jack, you've drunk so much rum you've passed out! (she tries to revive him. He wakes up.) Oh, goodness, you're awake. I'm so happy.  
  
Jack Sparrow: Let's make out. (JACK SPARROW and AUDREY start making out)  
  
Narrator 2: And so Audrey and Jack Sparrow made out. But he was drunk on rum, so he would not remember a tiny bit of this the next day.  
  
Jack Sparrow: What just happened? (AUDREY walks by.)  
  
Audrey: Oh, hi, Jack Sparrow.  
  
Jack Sparrow: Who are you?  
  
Audrey: (starts to cry) Oh, I feel so betrayed! I'm so sad.  
  
Narrator 1: And so Audrey ran off, very sad, leaving Jack Sparrow confused.  
  
Narrator 2: And drunk. 


	11. Gerda BabySits Rini and Serena Can't Fin...

SCENE ELEVEN- Gerda Baby-sits Rini and Serena Can't Find Her Computer  
  
(CUT TO: GERDA and RINI walking home from school.)  
  
Narrator 1: Back while Gerda and Rini were walking home from school.  
  
Rini: (acting bratty) I don't see why you have to baby-sit me. I mean, my cousin/mother/too complicated a family history to go into is right upstairs taking Internet college at the buffet table.  
  
Gerda: Yes, but she doesn't have time to take care of you.  
  
Rini: I'm ten years old, my god. I mean, I can take care of myself.  
  
Gerda: I didn't get to stay home alone until I was fifteen.  
  
Rini: But you lived on top of a roof.  
  
Gerda: (flustered) Well, that's not the point. Anyway, we have to get home.  
  
Rini: Why do we have to go home? Why couldn't we go somewhere fun?  
  
Gerda: (impatiently) Fine, where do you want to go?  
  
Rini: (lightbulb) I know! Let's go to the circus!  
  
Gerda: We're in Happyland. There is no circus.  
  
Rini: Oh.  
  
Narrator 2: Rini then proceeded to use a long string of expletives that she should not have been saying because she was ten years old.  
  
(annoying beeping noises sound)  
  
Gerda: You really oughtn't to use such harsh language, Rini.  
  
Rini: (harshly) Oh, can it.  
  
Narrator 2: And so they went into Rini and Sailor Moon's home, which was the church. They sat in the church and Gerda was Rini's babysitter. Rini did not want to behave.  
  
Gerda: (laying on a pew) Why do you guys live in a church, anyway?  
  
Rini: (laying on a pew across from her) Well, I don't know. It was a nice church I guess.  
  
Gerda: It was probably cheap.  
  
Rini: Probably.  
  
Gerda: You're agreeing with me for once.  
  
Rini: Really? Oh, crap.  
  
(CUT TO: SERENA sitting at a buffet table with a big cake in front of her and the computer behind it. SERENA can't find the computer.)  
  
Serena: GRRRR these stupid math lessons! The cake is in the way.  
  
(CUT TO: GERDA and RINI)  
  
Narrator 2: Neither Gerda nor Rini gave a tiny care about the cake being in the way. Serena yelled at the cake.  
  
(CUT TO: SERENA at the table.)  
  
Serena: Eheo! 


	12. Monica and Jack Sparrow Make Out in the ...

SCENE SEVEN- Kim, Hermia and Ginny Miss Their Lovers  
  
(CUT TO: KIM, HERMIA and GINNY hanging out after school.)  
  
Hermia: You know, I really miss my husband.  
  
Kim: So do I.  
  
Ginny: I miss my boyfriend Harry. What were your husbands' names?  
  
Kim: My husband's name was Hugo.  
  
Hermia: And my husband's name was Lysander. But I already told you that. Hello. Didn't you listen to my entire Midsummer speech?  
  
Narrator 2: It was clear Ginny had not been listening.  
  
Ginny: (turning red, badly lying) Uh. I forgot.  
  
Kim: Oh, Ginny, you're so scatterbrained. (pause while HERMIA glares at GINNY) Well, I still miss Hugo. (KIM gets romantically nostalgic) It was only a couple months ago we got married. He asked me to marry him over the telephone! It was dreamy.  
  
Hermia: Oh, that sounds so romantic.  
  
Kim: How did Lysander propose to you?  
  
Hermia: (she gets romantically nostalgic) Well, we found ourselves in a field one day with my friend Helena and her love Demetrius. He's kind of slimy. But anyway, we kind of found ourselves in a field one day and the Duke asked us if we wanted to get married and we said sure. We got married later that day.  
  
Kim: That's romantic too. (GINNY rolls her eyes.)  
  
Ginny: Well, I'm still waiting for Harry to ask me to marry him. I mean, I'm a little young though. I'm only fourteen. But fourteen is older than thirteen, and thirteen is older than twelve. And fourteen is nearly fifteen, which is nearly sixteen.  
  
Kim: (begins to sing pointedly at GINNY, sort of rubbing it in that GINNY is the youngest of the three) When you're a skinny child of FOURTEEN, wired with braces ear to ear, you doubt that you can ever be appealing. Then hallelujah you are SIXTEEN and the braces disappear, and you have that funny grown-up female feeling. (she trails off and stops singing) I would sing more, but I don't have any background music.  
  
Hermia: Tough luck. (pauses) Well, I really do wish that our husbands, or boyfriends, in your case, Ginny. (HERMIA and KIM giggle at GINNY. GINNY looks sad.)  
  
Ginny: You guys are so mean. I'm leaving. (she begins to leave.)  
  
Kim: Wait! (making peace) Don't leave! We can all go on a quest to find our boyfriends/husbands together!  
  
Hermia: Yeah! It'll be fun!  
  
Ginny: Oh. I miss Harry. (begins to cry)  
  
Kim: I miss Hugo. (begins to cry)  
  
Hermia: I miss Lysander. (begins to cry)  
  
Narrator 1: So they pouted for about. oh, twelve more hours. (GINNY, KIM and HERMIA cry.)  
  
Narrator 2: They were very sad.  
  
Narrator 1: But then they went home. 


	13. Strange Happenings at Janet's Mansion

SCENE THIRTEEN- Strange Happenings At Janet's Mansion  
  
(CUT TO: STORM, GINNY, THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT, PRINCESS MIA, ELLE, HERMIA, and GERDA having a pool party at JANET'S mansion. JANET isn't there.)  
  
Narrator 1: Meanwhile, at Janet's mansion, everyone was having a huge party.  
  
Narrator 2: It was a rockin' bash.  
  
Hermia: Whoo-hoo, par-tay!  
  
Ginny: Rock on!  
  
Elle: This is so much fun!  
  
Storm: You're so immature.  
  
Princess Mia: Who said that?  
  
Gerda: I don't know.  
  
Hermia: Who cares.  
  
Elle: Whoo-hoo!  
  
The Queen of the Night: Rock on!  
  
Ginny: Par-tay!  
  
Narrator 1: Meanwhile, Janet was sitting, putting her makeup on.  
  
(CUT TO: JANET, at her vanity table, putting her makeup on and looking sad.)  
  
Narrator 2: She felt very sad.  
  
Narrator 1: Cause they didn't invite her to the party.  
  
Narrator 2: And it was her house.  
  
Janet: Oh, I'm so sad. Why are all of these strange people in my house? And why didn't they invite me to their stupid party? Not like I would go, anyway. but still. I mean, it's my house! Wait! They're not even paying rent! Why are they living in my house??? (pause) Oh! Where's Brad? Where's anybody? (starts to cry)  
  
Narrator 2: Janet began to cry. She was very sad.  
  
Narrator 1: (contemplatively) A lot of people cry in this.  
  
Narrator 2: She was sad because they were living in her house and not paying any rent. And furthermore, she didn't know where any of her three lovers were at any point in time.  
  
Janet: Where's Brad? (brief pause.) Where's Frankie? (brief pause) Where's Rocky? (starts to cry)  
  
(CUT TO: STORM, GINNY, THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT, PRINCESS MIA, ELLE, HERMIA, and GERDA at the pool party.)  
  
Everyone: Whoo-hoo! Par-tay! Rock on!  
  
(CUT TO: JANET at her vanity table crying.)  
  
(CUT TO: STORM, GINNY, THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT, PRINCESS MIA, ELLE, HERMIA, and GERDA at the pool party.)  
  
Everyone: Yeah! Rock on! Par-tay! Whoo-hoo!  
  
(CUT TO: JANET at her vanity table crying.)  
  
(CUT TO: STORM, GINNY, THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT, PRINCESS MIA, ELLE, HERMIA, and GERDA at the pool party.)  
  
Everyone: Wa-hoo! Yay! Par-tay! Rock on!  
  
(CUT TO: GERDA at RINI'S house.)  
  
Gerda: Rini!  
  
Serena: You're wet!  
  
Gerda: Sorry, Serena, I was a little late. I was at a rockin' bash down at Janet's mansion.  
  
Serena: I CAN'T FIND THE INTERNET!  
  
(CUT TO: STORM, GINNY, THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT, PRINCESS MIA, ELLE, HERMIA, and GERDA at the pool party.)  
  
Elle: I'm gonna jump in the pool! (jumps in the pool)  
  
Everyone: Whoo-hoo! Yay! Rock on!  
  
(CUT TO: JANET at her vanity table crying.)  
  
Janet: (trying to stifle her tears) I'm going to go call my lawyer to see if she can get these people out of my house.  
  
(CUT TO: JANET'S hand dialing a number on the telephone.)  
  
(CUT TO: JANET talking on the telephone.)  
  
Janet: Paris? Can you come over?  
  
Paris: (over the telephone) I'll be right over.  
  
Narrator 2: Paris stole Monica's car and drove to Janet's house. (CUT TO: PARIS driving MONICA'S car to JANET'S house.)  
  
Narrator 1: When Paris got there the car magically drove itself back to Monica's place. (CUT TO: MONICA'S car driving back to MONICA'S house.)  
  
Janet: (to PARIS, who has appeared in her doorway) Oh, goodness. I didn't think you'd get here so quickly.  
  
Paris: I'm here. What's the case?  
  
Janet: Well, there are all of these strange people in my house.  
  
Paris: (logically) Are they paying rent?  
  
Janet: NO!  
  
Paris: Oh. This is a problem, this is a definite problem.  
  
Janet: And furthermore. (crying) I don't know where Brad is! Or where Frankie is! Or where Rocky is!  
  
Paris: Well, there's not much we can do about that. And furthermore, who are Brad, Frankie and Rocky?  
  
Janet: Oh. (crying) I miss them! I miss them so much!  
  
Paris: (realizing) OH! I've seen that movie! Didn't they die at the end?  
  
Janet: (slightly offended) No. It was just. an illusion. and even if they did die, that would still give me cause to miss them. And I would still have my darling Brad. (sighs)  
  
Paris: Oooookayyyy..  
  
Janet: Oh, Brad! (pauses) So, what are you from, Paris?  
  
Paris: (slightly annoyed) Hello. Haven't you seen Gilmore Girls?  
  
Janet: What's that? We don't get cable in Denton.  
  
Paris: It's not cable.  
  
Janet: Oh. we don't get TV's.  
  
Paris: What about your sequel? It's ABOUT TV.  
  
Janet: Umm. (starts laughing nervously.)  
  
Narrator 2: Janet proceeded to spout off some faulty, crappy lies.  
  
Janet: (shrinking away) I have to go to the bathroom. (locks herself in the bathroom)  
  
Narrator 2: Janet hid in the hot tub until Paris decided it was time to leave.  
  
(CUT TO: PARIS walking downstairs. She sees the party and joins it.)  
  
Paris: Whoo-hoo! Par-tay!  
  
Narrator 2: Paris joined the par-tay.  
  
Narrator 1: The Queen of the Night tried to jump in the pool and fell and broke her leg. (CLOSE UP: THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT getting out of the pool with a broken leg.) This meant she would have to choose someone to be the new queen cause she had a broken leg. (CUT TO: HERMIA dancing) Hermia decided to go practice dancing.  
  
(the sounds of a song going, 'La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la' can be heard as HERMIA dances. Every so often the music stops and HERMIA stops dancing. It starts again and she starts to dance again. This pattern repeats itself several times.)  
  
Narrator 1: Her record player was broken and it kept stopping.  
  
(CUT TO: GINNY on an exercise bike, ELLE tanning, and HERMIA dancing.)  
  
Hermia: Elle! You're back! I can't believe it. You guys were gone for such a long time!  
  
Ginny: I need to find my boyfriend. (crying) Why hasn't Harry asked me yet! I want to be married!  
  
Elle: It's just time, girls. It's just time. You ought to stalk him all the way to law school. That's what I did! And I got my way. Except he wasn't the guy I married. (gasps) Ooh, maybe you'll marry Cedric!  
  
Ginny: (exclaiming) CEDRIC DIED!  
  
Elle: Oh. I haven't read the fourth book yet.  
  
Ginny: And besides, it wasn't me who liked him, it was Cho.  
  
(CUT TO: JANET crying at her vanity table.)  
  
Janet: They didn't invite me!  
  
Elle: (enters) Girl, stop crying, the party's over.  
  
Narrator 1: She didn't care if the party was over.  
  
Narrator 2: She was still very sad. 


	14. The Only Appearance That The Animals Wil...

SCENE FOURTEEN- The Only Appearance That The Animals Will Ever Make  
  
(CUT TO: CUPCAKE pulling SAMMY around in a cart as ODETTE watches.)  
  
Narrator 2: Cupcake and the Swan Princess were talking.  
  
Cupcake: You know, I get really tired of pulling you around all the time, Sammy. You're the fattest cat in the world. You're so heavy.  
  
Sammy: (with a snooty British accent) Fine. Be that way. (gets out of CUPCAKE's cart) 


	15. Jack Sparrow Moves Out

SCENE FIFTEEN- Jack Sparrow Moves Out  
  
(CUT TO: SANDY and JACK SPARROW arguing outside their house.)  
  
Sandy: I'm sick of you.  
  
Jack Sparrow: I'm sick of you too.  
  
Sandy: Why don't you just leave?  
  
Jack Sparrow: Fine. I will. I'll go find somewhere else.  
  
Sandy: And take your stupid kid. (TOMMY goes over to JACK SPARROW. SANDY slaps JACK SPARROW across the face.)  
  
Jack Sparrow: (drunkenly) I think I deserved that one.  
  
Sandy: Get off the premises. Leave! (TOMMY and JACK SPARROW leave.) Buh- bye.  
  
Narrator 2: And so Sandy slapped Jack Sparrow over into a corner. And Jack Sparrow was so drunk on rum he didn't care. (CLOSE UP: MICHELLE in a swing.)  
  
Michelle: You got it, dude!  
  
Sandy: What was that? Oh well. (Goes upstairs to where the CHANGELING BOY is sleeping.) I'm so glad I got the Changeling Boy. I love you. (kisses the CHANGELING BOY's forehead)  
  
Narrator 1: So she kissed him to death. But not to death. Just to bed. He went to bed.  
  
Narrator 2: So did Michelle.  
  
Sandy: (singing the CHANGELING BOY to sleep) Good-night, my someone, good- night, my love. Good-night, my someone, good-night my love.  
  
(CUT TO: SANDY standing in front of her house.)  
  
Sandy: I wish Elle Woods was here. She is my lawyer and all. (pauses, thinks) No she's not! Paris is my lawyer. (ELLE enters.) Why are you here? You're not my lawyer!  
  
Elle: (like Tour-Guide Barbie from Toy Story 2) Hi! I'm Elle Woods!  
  
Sandy: I got that.  
  
Elle: I'm just here to say.  
  
Sandy: Why do you have to wear so much pink?  
  
Elle: (giggles) It's my trademark!  
  
Sandy: You sicken me.  
  
Elle: (indicating SANDY'S pink dress) You're wearing pink too.  
  
(SANDY laughs nervously.)  
  
Elle: I'm just here to say that since the judge hasn't legally decided who ought to legally get the Changeling Boy, he has to legally go into foster care. (pause) Don't I sound smart by using the word 'legally' so much? (SANDY rolls her eyes.)  
  
Sandy: No! He's mine!  
  
Elle: It was decided by the legal system of Massachusetts!  
  
Sandy: We don't live in Massachusetts. 


	16. Rini Runs Away

SCENE SIXTEEN- Rini Runs Away  
  
Narrator 2: And so the Changeling Boy went to foster care.  
  
Narrator 1: He went to go live with Serena and Rini. And at the time, Gerda.  
  
Narrator 2: Who was just sort of there.  
  
(ELLE drops the CHANGELING BOY at SERENA's doorstep.)  
  
Gerda: (running upstairs to where SERENA is sitting at the buffet table, still not able to find the computer) Um, Serena, they just dropped a kid off at your door.  
  
Serena: (ignoring her) OH GOD! WHERE'S THE STUPID COMPUTER? I CAN'T FIND IT AMONGST ALL THE CAKE!  
  
Gerda: Do I get paid more if I baby-sit the kid too?  
  
Serena: I'll pay you more if you can find me the computer! (GERDA points to the computer.) Oh! Thank you!  
  
Gerda: So where's my money? That'll be 10 bucks. Do I get paid more if I baby-sit the other kid?  
  
Serena: What other kid?  
  
Gerda: (dismissively) I think he's named Jim-Bob or something. He's downstairs. Do you want me to go get him?  
  
Serena: Bring him up here.  
  
Gerda: (brattily) Why can't you?  
  
Serena: Cause I'm busy on the Internet.  
  
Gerda: You couldn't even find your stupid Internet.  
  
Serena: (annoyed) Just bring him up.  
  
(GERDA goes downstairs and returns with the CHANGELING BOY)  
  
Serena: Oh, you're that Jim-Bob Changeling Boy kid everyone's always talking about.  
  
Changeling Boy: (idiotically) Who, me?  
  
Narrator 2: The Changeling Boy was an idiot. In case you couldn't already tell.  
  
Narrator 1: (CUT TO: RINI sneaking out the door) While they were all bickering upstairs, Rini decided to run away! (RINI starts to walk away.) Run away, Rini! Run away!  
  
Narrator 2: And so Rini snuck out. (RINI approaches MARY-KATE and ASHLEY'S castle.) But she got tired, so she asked Mary-Kate and Ashley if she could stay at their place for the night.  
  
Rini: (to MARY-KATE and ASHLEY) I'm really tired. Can I stay at your place for the night?  
  
Mary-Kate: (overly cheerful) Sure, Rini! We'd love to have you.  
  
Rini: Great! You guys are the best.  
  
Ashley: But you know you'll have to stay in the closet.  
  
(CLOSE UP: RINI looking discontented.)  
  
Narrator 2: And so she walked over to Sandy's house. (RINI walks over to SANDY'S house. SANDY is sitting at the picnic table.)  
  
Rini: Sandy, can I stay at your place for the night?  
  
Sandy: (sniffling) I'm sorry, Rini. I'm so grief-wrought over the disappearance of my child the Changeling Boy.  
  
Rini: (dismissively) Oh, he's over at my house.  
  
Sandy: (freaking out) WHAT? I guess it's to be expected. (starts crying)  
  
Rini: So can I stay here?  
  
Sandy: I'm sorry. I'm sad still. (SANDY goes indoors and RINI starts to walk away.)  
  
Narrator 2: And so Rini went over to Tzeitel and Austin Powers' house. (RINI approaches TZEITEL'S house.)  
  
Narrator 1: Tzeitel was in the barn.  
  
Narrator 2: MILKING. (CLOSE UP: TZEITEL in the barn milking.)  
  
Rini: Can I stay here for the night?  
  
Tzeitel: I'm sorry, we only have the one bed that I share with my husband Austin Powers. But that doesn't matter, cause I'm going to be in the barn. Milking. In the barn. Again.  
  
Rini: Well, if you're in the barn, milking, then can I take your place?  
  
Tzeitel: But the bed is only big enough for one person, Rini. That's why I'm always in the barn. Milking.  
  
Narrator 1: So Rini walked over to Kim and Audrey's house.  
  
(CUT TO: RINI in KIM'S living room talking to KIM.)  
  
Rini: Kim, can I stay here for the night?  
  
Kim: Well, it's really Audrey's place, so you'll have to ask her.  
  
Rini: (walks into where AUDREY is watering a plant) Audrey? Can I stay here for the night?  
  
Audrey: Sure, Rini!  
  
Rini: Thanks! Where's the bed?  
  
Audrey: In there, by Kim, and the telephone. (points RINI back into the room where KIM was and to the convertible couch.) And the television. It's comfy, I promise.  
  
Rini: Thank you so much, Audrey.  
  
Narrator 1: As Kim sat by the telephone, calling. Hugo, asking him where he was. But he wasn't there.  
  
Narrator 2: So she was talking instead to her friend,  
  
Narrator 1: Margie.  
  
Kim: (on phone, singing) Hi Margie!  
  
Margie: (over phone, just her voice, singing) Hi, Kim!  
  
Kim: (singing, on phone) What's the story, morning glory?  
  
Margie: (singing back, just her voice, over phone) What's the tale, nightingale?  
  
Kim: (singing, on phone) Have you heard about Deborah and Harvey?  
  
Narrator 2: Yeah, cause apparently Deborah Sue and Harvey were now going out. But she was still sad, because she didn't know where Hugo was and she didn't know where she was.  
  
Kim: (on phone, to MARGIE) Why am I in Happyland?  
  
Margie; (over phone) Gee, I just don't know, Kim.  
  
Kim: (sudden thought) Where did Conrad Birdie go after I left?  
  
Margie: (over phone) Oh, he went into the army.  
  
Kim: Duh. After that?  
  
Margie: How am I supposed to know? (RINI is stirring on the couch, grumpily glaring at KIM)  
  
Kim: I'm sorry, Margie. I have to go. (rolls her eyes, sarcastically) Someone's trying to sleep in the room.  
  
Rini: Yeah, I'm trying to sleep. Get off the phone.  
  
Kim: Bye, Margie.  
  
Margie: (over phone) Bye, Kim. (KIM hangs up the phone. Someone knocks on the door.)  
  
Audrey: (rushing to the door) Who is it?  
  
Jack Sparrow: (on other side of the door, with TOMMY) Jack!  
  
Audrey: Jack Sparrow?  
  
Jack Sparrow: Who else would it be, Jack Freeman? (AUDREY giggles nervously.)  
  
Narrator 2: Audrey giggled nervously.  
  
Audrey: Come on in, I'll meet you in the kitchen.  
  
Narrator 1: So Jack and Audrey met in the kitchen. And Jack forgot Tommy.  
  
Narrator 2: But being a smart and resourceful kid, Tommy managed to appear there also.  
  
Jack Sparrow: So, Audrey, the thing is, my wife Sandy kinda kicked me out. Could Tommy and I stay here for the night?  
  
Audrey: (giggles) Sure, Jack Sparrow. I love you. I mean, I'd love to have you. There's a spare bed in the room that Kim's in. Why don't you go check it out?  
  
Narrator 2: So Jack Sparrow went up and checked out.  
  
Jack Sparrow: (enters room, examines bed, sees that RINI is in it.) Someone is sleeping in my bed!  
  
Audrey: (surprised, like she forgot that RINI was there) Rini!  
  
Rini: (snottily) Who is this guy?  
  
(Someone knocks on the door. AUDREY runs to go get it.)  
  
Audrey: (as she runs down the stairs) Who is it?  
  
Serena: (on other side of the door) It's me. Serena.  
  
Audrey: Come on in, Serena. (SERENA enters)  
  
Serena: Have you seen Rini? I've looked all over and everyone said she just left.  
  
Audrey: Oh, she's right upstairs. (SERENA notices TOMMY sitting in a chair.)  
  
Serena: Oh, how cute! Is he yours?  
  
Audrey: (giggles) No, of course not. (giggles nervously)  
  
Narrator 2: Audrey giggled nervously again. (SERENA heads upstairs to find RINI.)  
  
Serena: Rini!  
  
Rini: Serena! My mommy/cousin!  
  
Serena: Where have you been? And why are you here? And why aren't you at home sleeping? (grabbing RINI by the hand and leading her out the door) We have to go home, missy.  
  
Narrator 2: And so Rini whined all the way home. Serena could not care less.  
  
Kim: She's gone! I can get back on the phone!  
  
Narrator 1: And so Kim got back on the telephone and called Deborah Sue.  
  
Deborah Sue: (over phone, just her voice) Hi Kim!  
  
Kim: (on phone, to DEBORAH SUE) Hi, Deborah Sue! So, what's this I hear about you and Harvey?  
  
Deborah Sue: (over phone) Oh, we got married! It's just like you and Hugo!  
  
Kim: (on phone) Where is Hugo, anyway?  
  
Deborah Sue: (over phone) I thought he was with you.  
  
Kim: (on phone) But I'm here in Happyland.  
  
Deborah Sue: (giggles nervously)  
  
Audrey: (downstairs, to TOMMY) Tommy, you need to go upstairs and go to bed.  
  
Narrator 1: (as everyone goes to bed) So everyone went to bed.  
  
Narrator 2: (CUT TO: CLOSE UP: TZEITEL in the barn. MILKING.) Except Tzeitel, who was in the barn.  
  
Narrator 1: Milking. 


	17. The Political Rally

SCENE SEVENTEEN- The Political Rally  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT standing at a podium with PRINCESS MIA and PRINCESS LEIA on either side of her. There is a crowd behind both of them, and it is clear that the crowd behind PRINCESS MIA is voting for PRINCESS MIA, and the crowd behind PRINCESS LEIA is voting for PRINCESS LEIA.)  
  
The Queen of the Night: Ladies and gentlemen! (gets the crowd's attention)  
  
Princess Leia: (to the crowd behind her, getting them pumped for the rally) Don't be blorchestra! Stay in orchestra!  
  
Princess Mia: (to the crowd behind her, getting them pumped for the rally) Don't be bland, stay in band!  
  
(this process repeats itself several times. PRINCESS LEIA tries to get the people on PRINCESS MIA's side to join her, and PRINCESS MIA tries to get the people on PRINCESS LEIA's side to join her.)  
  
Narrator 2: The candidates had a voting rally and the townsfolk of Happyland decided to stand in the middle as to not hurt anyone's feelings.  
  
Princess Leia: Don't be blorchestra! Stay in orchestra!  
  
Princess Mia: Don't be bland! Stay in band!  
  
Princess Leia: Don't be blorchestra! Stay in orchestra!  
  
Princess Mia: Don't be bland! Stay in band!  
  
Kim: (rising out of the crowd, singing) We love you, Conrad, oh yes we do.  
  
Princess Leia: (to KIM, angrily) Shut up, this is my rally.  
  
Kim: (walks over to PRINCESS MIA) Fine, I'll vote for Princess Mia then.  
  
Princess Leia: Don't be blorchestra! Stay in orchestra!  
  
Princess Mia: Don't be bland! Stay in band!  
  
The Queen of the Night: (annoyed) Okay. We get it.  
  
Narrator 1: And so the Queen of the Night settled everything.  
  
The Queen of the Night: Everyone for Princess Leia, over here. Everyone for Princess Mia, over there. (the crowd splits in half, half going to PRINCESS LEIA's side and half to PRINCESS MIA's.) All right, let's count. (THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT counts how many people are on either side. There are eleven on PRINCESS LEIA's and nine on PRINCESS MIA's.)  
  
Princess Leia: Haha, I win! I get to be the queen! Yay! Don't be blorchestra, stay in orchestra!  
  
Narrator 2: And so Princess Mia was sad. She was very sad cause she didn't get to be the queen of Happyland.  
  
Princess Leia: (to PRINCESS MIA, being unusually nice) You know what, I'll let you be the queen.  
  
Princess Mia: Nah, you can be the queen. You're much older than me anyway.  
  
Princess Leia: How about in ten years, you can be the queen.  
  
Princess Mia: Okay!  
  
Narrator 2: And so all was well.  
  
Princess Leia: Don't be blorchestra! Stay in orchestra!  
  
Princess Mia: Don't be bland! Stay in band!  
  
Princess Leia: Don't be blorchestra! Stay in orchestra!  
  
Princess Mia: Don't be bland! Stay in band!  
  
Narrator 1: And so the Princesses were friends and everyone went back to their houses. Except for Tzeitel. (CUT TO: TZEITEL, who is in the barn, milking.)  
  
Tzeitel: (who has been in the barn, milking, this whole time.) I have a strange feeling I missed something.  
  
Narrator 2: Cause she was in the barn.  
  
Tzeitel: Oh well. I'll just keep being in the barn.  
  
Narrator 1: Milking. 


	18. Another Party at Janet's Place

SCENE EIGHTEEN- Another Party At Janet's Place  
  
(CUT TO: Everyone who lives at JANET'S having another pool party, shouting the slogan of whichever political candidate they voted for and jumping in the pool and eating snacks and stuff.)  
  
(CUT TO: JANET at her vanity table, sad.)  
  
Janet: I miss Brad. (pause) And Rocky. (pause) And Frankie. (sighs, cries)  
  
Narrator 2: Janet was very sad. (CUT TO: The pool party.) Meanwhile, downstairs at the pool, they were having a party.  
  
Narrator 1: Again.  
  
Narrator 2: Everyone dived in the pool.  
  
(CUT TO: JANET at her vanity table)  
  
Janet: They didn't invite me. Again. Oh, I'm so sad.  
  
(CUT TO: SERENA and RINI's house. GERDA is there too.)  
  
Narrator 1: Rini just sat there while her mom was online. And Gerda was watching Rini sit there. (CUT TO: TZEITEL in the barn, milking.) And Tzeitel was in the barn.  
  
Both Narrators: Milking. (they laugh)  
  
Narrator 2: But where was Austin? (CUT TO: AUSTIN POWERS aimlessly wandering outside of JANET'S house.)  
  
Narrator 1: He was aimlessly wandering! (CUT TO: JANET walking downstairs, sad.) Janet came downstairs through the ballroom.  
  
Narrator 2: She was very sad. Cause they didn't invite her to their party.  
  
Janet: I'm sad. They didn't invite me to their party. (pause, starts crying) And I miss Brad! And I miss Frankie! And I miss Rocky!  
  
Narrator 2: She missed everyone.  
  
Janet: (crying) I miss them!  
  
Narrator 1: But,  
  
Narrator 2: Austin just so happened to be walking by at that very moment.  
  
Janet: (crying) I MISS BRAD! (AUSTIN walks by) Who are you?  
  
Austin: Why, I'm Austin Powers, the international man of mystery.  
  
Janet: If you're an international man of mystery, can you find my Brad? Or my Rocky? Or my Frankie? Or anyone? (starts crying)  
  
Narrator 2: Janet started to cry. Again. Austin didn't like to see a girl crying, why, I don't know, because he's a womanizing pig. but strangely out of character for him, he tried to comfort Janet.  
  
Janet: (still crying) What do you want?  
  
Austin: Well.  
  
Janet: (stops crying, takes a good, long look at AUSTIN, decides that he looks a lot like one of her old boyfriends, whether it be Brad, Frankie, or Rocky I don't know, but one of them) You know, you look a lot like one of my old boyfriends. (sighs dreamily)  
  
Narrator 1: So she cornered him and they made out. (JANET corners AUSTIN and they make out.)  
  
Narrator 2: She sang about it.  
  
Janet: (as she and AUSTIN make out and stuff, singing) Touch-a-touch-a- touch-a-touch me, I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night!  
  
Narrator 2: And she kept singing, and Hermia and Ginny noticed, and they watched her, because it was more fun than the party. They thought it was extremely funny.  
  
Ginny: (singing, making fun of JANET) Touch-a-touch-a-touch-a-touch me!  
  
Hermia: (singing, making fun of JANET) I wanna be dirty!  
  
Ginny: (singing, making fun of JANET) Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me!  
  
Hermia: (singing, making fun of JANET) Creature of the night!  
  
Janet: (keeping singing as she and AUSTIN make out and stuff) Touch-a-touch- a-touch-a-touch me, I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night!  
  
Austin: (this next part is from JANET'S perspective, so we're looking up at AUSTIN) Creature of the night.  
  
Elle: (ditto above) Creature of the night!  
  
Storm: (ditto above) Creature of the night!  
  
Hermia: (ditto above) Creature of the night!  
  
The Queen of the Night: (ditto above) Creature of the night!  
  
Princess Mia: (ditto above) Creature of the night!  
  
Odette the Swan Princess: (ditto above) Creature of the night!  
  
Sammy, the fattest cat in the world: (ditto above) Creature of the night!  
  
Ginny: (ditto above, singing) Creature of the night!  
  
Austin: (ditto above, but while the last eight people were in JANET'S imagination, he is actually there) Creature of the night.  
  
Janet: (as AUSTIN kisses her, singing) Creature of the night!  
  
Narrator 2: And they proceeded to make out. A lot. (JANET and AUSTIN make out) They snuck into the. OTHER BARN! (they sneak into the other barn, the one attached to JANET'S house) And they.  
  
Narrator 1: Made out. (singing) UNDER THE DOCK! THEY STAYED OUT, TILL 10 O' CLOCK! (stops singing) In the barn. The other barn. Not the barn Tzeitel was in.  
  
Narrator 2: (CUT TO: TZEITEL in the barn milking.) Milking. (CUT TO: EVERYONE at the pool party) And everyone went back to their party. 


	19. Hermia, Ginny and Kim Go Find Their Love...

SCENE NINETEEN- Hermia, Ginny and Kim Go Find Their Lovers  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: HERMIA and GINNY with suitcases standing outside of KIM's window. KIM is looking at them.)  
  
Hermia: Hurry up, Kim!  
  
Ginny: We're running away!  
  
Kim: Are we going to go find Hugo?  
  
Hermia: You can go find Hugo. I'm going to go find Lysander.  
  
Ginny: And I'm going to go find Harry. Come on, let's go! (KIM jumps out her window with a suitcase)  
  
Narrator 2: And so Kim jumped out her window.  
  
Narrator 1: So they could go find their lovers.  
  
Narrator 2: Miraculously, falling out of the window didn't hurt Kim at all. They went to go find their lovers. (GINNY, KIM and HERMIA wander into nowhere, calling for their lovers.)  
  
Ginny: Oh, Harry!  
  
Hermia: Oh, Lysander!  
  
Kim: Oh, Hugo!  
  
All Three: WHERE ARE YOU???  
  
(CUT TO: the camera rotating view of Happyland, so it's spinning)  
  
Narrator 1: SPINNING! 


	20. Law Talk

SCENE TWENTY- Law Talk  
  
(CUT TO: AUDREY and JACK SPARROW lying on the couch in AUDREY'S house talking.)  
  
Audrey: Jack, you know, I really do love you.  
  
Jack Sparrow: Really?  
  
Audrey: Yeah. And I love your darling son Tommy.  
  
Jack Sparrow: (dismissively) Yeah, he's okay. But I really want the Changeling Boy.  
  
Audrey: Well, let's call your lawyer Elle Woods. (AUDREY dials ELLE'S phone number. The phone rings.)  
  
Elle: (over phone) Hi, Elle Woods here.  
  
Audrey: (on phone, to ELLE) Hi, we need you over here pronto.  
  
Elle: (over phone) I'll be right over!  
  
Narrator 1: So Elle stole Monica's Porsche and came zooming over that very second and the car went back to Monica's. (CUT TO: ELLE driving MONICA'S Porsche, arriving at AUDREY'S, and the car driving back to MONICA'S house.)  
  
Narrator 2: Everyone sat there. (CUT TO: ELLE, AUDREY and JACK SPARROW sitting there.) And talked.  
  
Elle: We really need that Changeling Boy. Listen, I have a plan. (whispers to AUDREY and JACK)  
  
(CUT TO: MONICA sitting in her Porsche.)  
  
Monica: I really like Jack Sparrow. But it looks like Audrey snagged him for good. (sighs) So I'll just drive my car into oblivion. (MONICA drives away into the sunset, never to be seen again in Happyland)  
  
(CUT TO: TZEITEL in the barn, milking.)  
  
Narrator 1: Tzeitel was in the barn.  
  
Narrator 2: Milking.  
  
(CUT TO: PARIS and SANDY sitting at the picnic table outside of SANDY'S house talking about the trial.)  
  
Paris: I have a plan. (whispers to SANDY) 


	21. The Death of the Olsen Twins

SCENE TWENTY- The Death of the Olsen Twins  
  
(CUT TO: MARY-KATE and ASHLEY standing outside of their castle.)  
  
Ashley: Mary-Kate?  
  
Mary-Kate: Yes, Ashley?  
  
Ashley: I have something to tell you. (she looks nervous)  
  
Mary-Kate: What?  
  
Ashley: Umm. Austin. was. um, ah. making out with someone else. (rushes the last part)  
  
Mary-Kate: (shocked) With YOU?  
  
Ashley: No, with someone else.  
  
Mary-Kate: (gasps) I hate you. (MARY-KATE takes out a gun and shoots ASHLEY in the head.) You're dead.  
  
Narrator 2: And Ashley was killed by her sister Mary-Kate.  
  
Mary-Kate: I'm so lonely now. I'll go cry in my castle. (she goes and stands outside of her castle, contradicting her last statement, and cries. AUSTIN and JANET walk by. MARY-KATE gasps.) Janet!  
  
Janet: Mary-Kate!  
  
Mary-Kate: Austin!  
  
Austin: Mary-Kate!  
  
Janet: (sees ASHLEY'S body) Ashley!  
  
Mary-Kate: Janet!  
  
Janet: Mary-Kate!  
  
Mary-Kate: Austin!  
  
Austin: Mary-Kate!  
  
Janet: Ashley!  
  
Mary-Kate: Janet!  
  
Janet: Mary-Kate!  
  
Mary-Kate: Austin!  
  
Austin: Mary-Kate!  
  
Janet: Ashley!  
  
Mary-Kate: I feel so let down!  
  
Austin: I was never your boyfriend, Mary-Kate. (MARY-KATE gasps and starts crying. AUSTIN turns to JANET.) Come on, let's go make out in the barn again. (They go make out in the barn)  
  
Narrator 2: And it turns out that Tzeitel was never really married to Austin, so he went and made out with Janet in the barn. (CUT TO: JANET and AUSTIN making out in the other barn.) Not the barn Tzeitel was in. Milking. The other barn. (CUT TO: TZEITEL in the barn. Milking.)  
  
Narrator 1: Cause they couldn't make out in the barn Tzeitel was in. Milking.  
  
Narrator 2: And Mary-Kate was so sad she committed suicide. (MARY-KATE shoots herself in the head.)  
  
Narrator 1: Buh-bye. 


	22. The Custody Battle is Finally Resolved!

SCENE TWENTY-TWO- The Custody Battle is Finally Resolved!  
  
(CUT TO: A courtroom-type scene. SANDY, PARIS, and MICHELLE are sitting at a table. JACK SPARROW, AUDREY, ELLE and TOMMY are sitting at another one. And the CHANGELING BOY is in the middle.)  
  
Sandy: (singing randomly, fully aware she is singing both her and Danny's part of the song and not really caring) Summer lovin', happened so fast, summer lovin', had me a blast. Met a girl, crazy for me, met a boy, cute as could be, summer dreams, driftin' away, to oh, those summer nights.  
  
Narrator 2: (cutting her off) And so as Sandy sang and Jack Sparrow and Audrey got married, Paris, the magical lawyer, won the custody battle over Elle Woods because Jack Sparrow was a drunk and too busy with Audrey anyway. So Sandy got custody of Michelle, the Changeling Boy, AND Tommy. And Jack Sparrow and Audrey were in love.  
  
(The camera view spins)  
  
Jack Sparrow: Why is everything spinning? (AUDREY slaps him and the spinning abruptly stops.) I think I deserved that.  
  
Narrator 1: (CUT TO: GINNY and HARRY, HERMIA and LYSANDER, and KIM and HUGO happily rejoicing) And the three girls who ran off to find their lovers magically found them. Yay! 


	23. The Epilogue

SCENE TWENTY-THREE- The Epilogue  
  
(CUT TO: CUPCAKE grudgingly pulling ODETTE and SAMMY around in a cart.)  
  
(CUT TO: MONICA driving her Porsche all over the world thoughtfully.)  
  
(CUT TO: GERDA, thoughtfully eating a cookie.)  
  
Gerda: I miss Kai. I wasn't important enough to go find my boyfriend like Ginny, Kim and Hermia. I had to baby-sit Rini instead. (sighs)  
  
(CUT TO: STORM, sitting in a field of daisies thoughtfully.)  
  
Storm: You know, after the first day of classes at the Happyland school, I really didn't do much. (shrugs, makes it rain and walks off)  
  
(CUT TO: Two identical headstones reading "Mary-Kate Olsen" and "Ashley Olsen")  
  
(CUT TO: THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT, sitting in a beach chair by the poolside drinking a martini thoughtfully.)  
  
The Queen of the Night: Why isn't it nighttime yet?  
  
(CUT TO: PRINCESS LEIA ruling Happyland thoughtfully.)  
  
(CUT TO: PRINCESS MIA writing in her diary thoughtfully.)  
  
Princess Mia: I wasn't important enough to go find my boyfriend either. I miss Michael. (sighs)  
  
(CUT TO: AUSTIN being Austin Powers thoughtfully.)  
  
Austin: Man, I'm ready for the next groovy chick. That Janet cat was too square for my tastes. (shrugs and walks over to SANDY'S house.) Hey, psychedelic, baby! (SANDY giggles.)  
  
(CUT TO: JANET sitting at her vanity table thoughtfully.)  
  
Janet: Austin was fun for a while. but you know what? I'm starting to think maybe he wasn't for me. He's too Austin Powers-y. I don't think he really liked me. (pause) Not like Brad. And Frankie. And Rocky. (pause) I miss Brad. And Frankie. And Rocky. (sighs and starts to cry a little)  
  
(CUT TO: TZEITEL in the barn milking thoughtfully.)  
  
Tzeitel: I'm in the barn. Milking.  
  
(CUT TO: RINI and SERENA, dancing around and singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song thoughtfully.)  
  
(CUT TO: AUDREY and JACK SPARROW being in love thoughtfully. Everything "spins".)  
  
Jack Sparrow: Why is everything spinning? (AUDREY kisses him and he shuts up.)  
  
(CUT TO: SANDY and AUSTIN making out thoughtfully.)  
  
(CUT TO: TOMMY, MICHELLE and the CHANGELING BOY on the merry-go-round watching SANDY and AUSTIN make out with wide eyes and giggling thoughtfully.)  
  
(CUT TO: PARIS and ELLE doing important lawyer things thoughtfully.)  
  
(CUT TO: KIM, HERMIA, HUGO and LYSANDER being bridesmaids/best men at GINNY and HARRY's wedding thoughtfully)  
  
(the camera view spins into random nothingness)  
  
Narrator 1: (quietly) Everything spins. 


	24. The Lost Scene Twelve That Really I Just...

SCENE TWELVE- Monica and Jack Sparrow Make Out in the Street  
  
(CUT TO: MONICA driving around in her Porsche.)  
  
Monica: I think I'll drive around in my Porsche again.  
  
Narrator 2: So Monica drove around in her Porsche.  
  
Narrator 1: Again. Cause she was the only one with a car. (MONICA nearly drives her car into JACK SPARROW, who happens to be walking by.)  
  
Monica: Oh my goodness! My car was just totally wrecked! I just nearly ran into Jack Sparrow. (to JACK SPARROW) Oh, hi. (giggles nervously)  
  
Jack Sparrow: Who are you?  
  
Monica: Oh, I love you, Jack!  
  
Jack Sparrow: Which one are you again?  
  
Monica: I'm Monica. Can't you tell by my lovely eyebrows?  
  
(MONICA and JACK SPARROW make out)  
  
Narrator 2: And Monica and Jack Sparrow proceeded to make out.  
  
Narrator 1: And the car suddenly was revived and Monica got in it and drove off. (MONICA gets in her car and drives off.) But Jack Sparrow followed her. (JACK SPARROW follows her.) And stalked her!  
  
Narrator 2: But the next day he couldn't remember a single thing about it. Cause he was drunk. (pause) The next day.  
  
Jack Sparrow: What am I doing? (the camera spins) Why is everything spinning? 


End file.
